Master of Puppets

When Jiu-Jitsu addicts are unable to train, they often show signs of grappling withdrawal, and while it’s not typically fatal, it can make them very annoying, so if someone you know is exhibiting any of these kind of symptoms, you may want to avoid them until after they are able to go to class:

  • They clean the floor by putting on a fluffy robe and hip-escaping across it.
  • They constantly tap you on the shoulder, just to stay in practice.
  • They wristlock anyone who tries to shake their hand.
  • They stand on the street corner with a sign that says “Free grapples”.
  • They armbar people who thought the sign said “Free apples”, and ask “How do you like them apples?”
  • They refuse to have a conversation without first slapping and bumping hands.
  • They always wear turtlenecks, to simulate being choked.
  • They fight for underhooks when someone hugs them, even their grandparents.
  • They attempt to triangle their pets.
  • They avoid standing in lines, because the urge to take backs is too great.
  • They rub sandpaper on their chin and knuckles, for that gi burn feel.
  • They yell “Get in my guard!” to random strangers.
  • Sometimes I wonder if Jiu-Jitsu is thinking about me too.If the strangers ask “What guard?”, then they say “Well, you got your closed guard, open guard, spider guard, lasso guard, half guard, deep half guard, de la riva guard, reverse de la riva guard, inverted guard, x guard, single leg x guard, z guard, butterfly guard, cross guard, 50/50 guard, bikini guard, koala guard, Williams guard, donkey guard, worm guard, rubber guard…”

Jiu-Jitsu cravings can also lead to a loss of interest in anything that’s not related to grappling, so if you can’t avoid an addict and need to interact with them, it’s best to wear a gi, or a rashguard and spats, and occasionally use words like “roll”, “sweep”, and “pass”, in order to keep their attention.

“Taste me you will see, more is all you need.” -Metallica


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