Last week during the State Games, I ran into my self-proclaimed “fan”, the guy who keeps trying to get me to compete in Judo again, ever since he watched me do it once (which was four freaking years ago!). When I saw him, he asked if I was competing in the Judo games this year, and I told him I couldn’t because they were requiring membership in a Judo organization, which I don’t have, and he responded “I’ll pay for it for you!”, so then I said that I’ve become too Jiu-Jitsufied, and I didn’t think I could compete in Judo without breaking one of their many, many rules, and getting disqualified.
I should have just told him that I’m not interested in competing in Judo, and he won’t be able to convert me, but he’s never seen me compete in Jiu-Jitsu, and I think he might enjoy it even more, so he should offer up cash towards my next BJJ competition, and then come watch that. I’m totally kidding, I don’t even want people to watch me compete, nor do I understand why anyone would be interested, let alone offer me money to do it, because I’m not very good!
It might seem like I’m bragging about my “fan”, and I can’t say that it’s not flattering to have someone who’s practically a stranger want to see me compete so much that he’s willing to pay for it, but it actually makes me a little uncomfortable, in the same way blogging does. I don’t enter competitions or write this blog in order to gain attention, and as a person who spent most of her life trying to be invisible, it still feels strange to me.
I don’t think my “fan” even knows about my blog, but after I first started Ginger Snaps, I wrote a post called TMI, where I talked about the fact that I didn’t fully anticipate the reach this blog could have, and now I wish that I had never used my real name, and I’d just written it under an alias instead! I’m still not fully comfortable with people searching my name and finding this blog, I would prefer to be anonymous, but part of the point in doing it under my own name is to get over the fear of putting myself out there, and to challenge my own introversion.
I would probably compete more often if I could do it without anyone watching, and blogging might be easier for me if no one knew who I was, but this whole journey has really been about stepping out of my comfort zone, and growing from it. There is a certain freedom in being open about myself and not caring what people think, so I’ve just been trying to embrace that, but I don’t know if I’ll ever really get used to it.
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