Down in a Hole

I’m super sick, so I haven’t rolled for nine days, and that’s about three times longer than I usually go without training, but I’ve felt so miserable that I haven’t even cared too much about missing class, which is weird for me! Since I’m still trying to cough my lungs out of my body, and I’ve been getting exhausted with even the slightest amount of physical exertion, I think it’s best to continue my self-imposed quarantine for a little while longer (because I can guarantee that no one else wants to be infected with this!). I’ve just been trying to not think about what I’m missing, since taking even a week off seems to set me back in BJJ, because everything is more difficult after a layoff, which is why I prefer to just keep going if I can.

Perhaps it’s due to the sickness, or the sadness from not being able to train, but this past week I’ve been thinking about the fact that I don’t really feel like I fit in at LBJJC, and it’s not because of my age or my gender, it’s just because I’m me. When I first started training Jiu-Jitsu, I was told that if I wanted to fit in, I would have to be more social with my teammates, and as an incredibly shy and introverted person, it felt like they were saying “You’ll only be accepted if you totally change who you are.”, but I really wanted to be a part of the group, so for the past six years, I have desperately tried to be more outgoing, but I don’t think it’s made much of a difference, and I don’t really want to do it anymore, because it’s so difficult for me.

"I don't belong on this earth. I always feel out of place - like a visitor." -Hattie McDanielSince I stopped training Karate, I don’t really miss it, but I do miss feeling like I belonged at the dojo, because in Jiu-Jitsu I usually feel like I’m so outside of the loop, I may as well be on a different planet. For the most part, the people at LBJJC are awesome, and they treat me very well during class, I just don’t think I fit in there. The feeling of being an outsider in Jiu-Jitsu has been with me since I began training, and it’s one of the reasons I started this blog, because I figured I couldn’t possibly be the only one who felt that way, and now it seems like I’ve made more online BJJ friends than I have in real life, which is a little sad to me, but I’m very glad to have them. When I left the dojo, several people tried to talk me into coming back, but I feel like most of the people at LBJJC wouldn’t even miss me if I quit, and I’m not saying it’s necessarily based in facts, it’s just my own perception of the situation, and regardless, it’s never going to stop me from training the art that I love.

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