Shihan always says “If it’s not fun, don’t do it.”, and recently, I haven’t been enjoying Jiu-Jitsu class as much as I used to. I don’t want to talk about the reasons behind it, but it doesn’t have anything to do with me thinking that I suck, because I’ve actually been seeing some improvements in my skills. It’s also not just about the time when I was recently subjected to inappropriateness, which has certainly contributed to my stress, but there’s also another issue going on.
Jiu-Jitsu is hard enough for me without the fun being sucked out of it, and lately I’ve been wondering if it’s really worth it. I’ve continued training as usual through this struggle, but it’s almost like I’m just going through the motions, and I have no idea how to deal with the problem. Jiu-Jitsu had never been easy, and I don’t expect it ever will be, I just don’t want it to be as emotionally difficult as it has been lately.
I’ve been feeling like I want to surrender, and say that Jiu-Jitsu has finally beaten me, but I am stubborn as hell, and I swore an oath to myself to train BJJ for life, plus I know I would miss it if I quit, so I’m not ready to give up just yet. Right now I may not be able to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel, but I still believe I’ll get there.