In My Head

Do you want to know how I really feel? I don’t think there could possibly be anyone else in the entire world who’s been doing Jiu-Jitsu as long as I have, yet who still sucks as much as I do. I didn’t even realize that my ass was missing yesterday, until it got handed to me in the advanced BJJ class! I know I’m improving, but the problem is I keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over, and over again. I should know better by now.

Yesterday was the first time I’ve felt like crying after Jiu-Jitsu class since I started training at Lincoln BJJ. I was feeling really frustrated, because if I could simply remember to do the things I know I’m supposed to, and not do the things I know I shouldn’t, it would make a huge difference for me. I just can’t seem to get my head right. At least I’m finally aware of a lot of my mistakes, but I really need to stop making them.

This roll is not going the way I imagined it would when I acted it out in my head.The thing is, even though I felt like it, I didn’t cry after class yesterday, because I know that won’t do any good. Feeling bad about how much I suck won’t make me suck any less, so there’s no sense in dwelling on it. I could spend hours and hours going over my inadequacies in my head (and believe me, I have), but when it comes down to it, the only thing that’s going to help me improve is to keep putting in the work. If I really want to survive in BJJ (and believe me, I do), I just need to keep stepping on the mat and trying (perhaps with a post-it note stuck on my gi that says “POSTURE!” ;).

“Everyone want go heaven, but nobody want dead. 
The place where I have no relaxation, is in my head.” -Tech N9ne


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