Shit My Grandma Says

My maternal grandmother Mollie is one of the strongest, most independent people I have ever known. In the early 1950s she divorced her alcoholic husband and raised their three daughters all on her own (which was uncommon back then). She’s always been a stubborn, outspoken, feisty broad, and I learned my first German curse word from her. Scheissekopf!

Gramollie (as she is affectionately known in our family) is now 92 years old. She has an outrageous number of grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and even some great-greats, but she is still just as ornery as ever. Seriously, you would not believe some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth!

When grandma was in the hospital a few years ago, she had a framed picture of a professional wrestler on her nightstand. The doctor asked her why she liked him, and she answered “Because he has a nice body, duh!”. Recently when I took her shopping, a car almost hit her as it was backing out in the parking lot, and I angrily told the driver that he should look behind him before he backed up. He responded by calling me a bitch, so I told grandma that if getting mad because he almost ran her over made me a bitch, then I was proud to be one, and Grandma enthusiastically responded “Yeah, you go, bitch!”

At a family Halloween party last year, Gramollie dressed as a nun, and my sister Brandi and I were a goddess and a sorceress. Grandma jokingly insisted that we were both dressed as “hussies”, and she proceeded to douse us with “holy water” whenever we walked by. One time after she watched an episode of Jerry Springer, she was telling me about it, and she said “They already tested six men, and none of them were the father. That woman must be a ho!”.

GramollieGrandma was given a fancy new walker this Christmas (because she refuses to use her wheelchair), and the first words out of her mouth when she saw it were “You’re making me feel old, you young shits!”. She’s always been an independent woman, and she fiercely remains so, as much as she can. 

I have more examples of some crazy stuff my grandma says, but frankly, I can’t repeat it! Gramollie has really been the only grandparent who’s ever been in my life, but she’s the only one I needed. I have learned so much from her (besides how to cuss in German ;), and as the matriarch of our family, she is universally beloved. I hope to be just like Gramollie when I grow up!

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5 comments on “Shit My Grandma Says

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