Well, after all the stress, all the worry, all the blog posts, I ended up not competing in the Jiu-Jitsu tournament yesterday. I basically had an emotional breakdown beforehand, and despite Joe telling Amy that he would kidnap me if I didn’t want to go, he actually refused to go with me. I wasn’t about to go by myself, so I decided to just give in to my desire to not compete.
I always say that I don’t want to compete (because I don’t!) but I’m usually able to make myself do it anyway. It’s not so much a fear of how I will perform (I’ve lost more than I’ve won), but competing in a tournament can be very difficult for an introvert such as myself. Lately I’ve been feeling somewhat exposed and vulnerable, so the thought of being surrounded by so many strangers, and being observed, was too overwhelming. I backed out, and I don’t feel bad about it (well, maybe a little). I did what made me happy (or at least, it made me stop crying and vomiting), so I know I made the right choice. My competition days aren’t over, I just needed to sit this one out.
On a positive note, even though I didn’t compete in the tournament, I did still win a trophy yesterday! Joe and I went to a Halloween party last night, and we won first place for couples costumes. We were Good Clown/Bad Clown, and I knew we were going to win when someone who we didn’t even know asked to take our picture! It was a lot of fun, and I didn’t mind that competition one bit. If only I could’ve worn a costume to the tournament!