2am

I think I made a big mistake.  I should not have signed up for the Jiu-Jitsu tournament that’s coming up in two weeks.  I am in no way ready, physically or mentally.  I don’t even think I’m going to be able to make weight.  I know that everyone has pre-competition jitters, but I am completely miserable about it, even more than I normally am.   Why do I do this to myself?

If I compete, I will most likely hate the entire experience.  If I don’t compete, I will feel bad about wasting money, and I will feel like a wuss for backing out.  My mind is in the absolute wrong place right now, and I don’t know if I can correct it in time.  At this moment, there is just no way I can fool myself into believing that I’m awesome, and I cannot go into a competition feeling like I suck.

I can't sleepI hate the pressure that I put on myself when I compete, and it doesn’t change whether I win or lose.  Even though I won all of my matches at the last tournament that I did four months ago, I was still disappointed in my performance, because I didn’t live up to my own expectations.  I know it’s supposed to be about learning, and that is why I do it, but I can’t help but feel like I let my teachers down when I don’t do as well as I think I should.  They always tell me they’re proud of me just for competing, but when my school’s name appears alongside mine, I want it to be in a positive light.

It hasn’t helped that I’ve been sick this past week and I haven’t been able to train (which could very well have been brought on by the stress I’ve been experiencing over this).  I wish I could just let it go and not think about it at all, but that’s not really in my nature.  I actually think I’ve done a pretty good job by not totally freaking out about it until now!  It’s 2am, I can’t sleep, and I still have no idea what I want to do.  In less than ten hours I will be back on the mat training, and I’ll have to see how I feel about it after that.  Things usually look better after a little grappling.

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