I don’t think I will ever really be good at Jiu-Jitsu, I just don’t know if I have it in me. I’m aware that it takes a long time, but no matter how long I train I doubt that I will ever be more than mediocre. No matter how much I try to study, many of the lessons don’t sink in. Of course I will improve, but I don’t believe I will ever achieve the kind of proficiency that I would like.
I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I constantly do things I know I shouldn’t, and I can’t seem to break the bad habits I’ve developed. I’m still too tense when I grapple, which might be part of the reason I find myself in constant pain, and always nursing injuries. Trying to understand Jiu-Jitsu makes me feel stupid, and I have a hard time getting my brain and body to work together.
I feel like I suck at every aspect of Jiu-Jitsu. I am inadequate, and I make my teachers look bad, because they have taught me better than I perform. I can’t even remember some of the basics in times of stress, which is almost every time I roll, because I can’t seem to figure out how to relax, ever. I don’t try hard enough, or work hard enough, and I am too much of a wuss. I’m tired, and battered, and discouraged.
Yet, even as I sink deeper into this quicksand of negativity, confident in the knowledge that I will never make it to where I want to be, I have no desire to stop trying to get there. I may never see the top of the mountain, but every forward step is a pinnacle unto itself.