TP Assassins

Chuck Norris TP

When everyone who lives in your house trains martial arts, it can sometimes lead to interesting conversations. One memorable Ethridge dinner discussion concerned the best way to kill someone with toilet paper…

Joe said he would choke them by stuffing the TP down their throat.

Skyler said she would choke them by wrapping the TP around their neck.

I said I would braid the TP into a rope, and then choke them with that.

Looking at this completely objectively, and with no bias whatsoever, I think it’s obvious I win. Joe’s plan is impractical. Perhaps he could hold someone down long enough to force-feed them TP until they choke, but I don’t think it would work for me. Skyler is on the right track, but I don’t think you could wrap the TP tight enough without it tearing (even if it’s two-ply). With my plan, I just have to ninja up behind them with my TP tourniquet and it’s lights out! Therefore, I believe I deserve the title of “Best Ethridge TP Assassin”.

TP Masterpiece

(Disclaimer: Seriously, this is not serious. The Ethridges do not condone killing anyone with toilet paper (or by any other means). We do not even condone TP’ing houses on Halloween.)


4 comments on “TP Assassins

  1. I vote for Joe's idea. It's simple, expediant and practical. You only really have to get one small wad in, as long as you get it in there nice and deep. Once it's in the back of the mouth, you're golden. You can even deliver a good knee strike to the diaphragm and make the opponent help you out by gasping/suctioning the TP down his OWN throat, thankyouverymuch.Of course, it's also a good way to get bitten and infected with God-only-knows-what, and it would suck to kill your target and then die two weeks later from septicemia. But at least you got him first.

  2. Exactly; that's why I said "expedient". ;-)Although, now that you mention it, there's always the hope that the bad guy might laugh himself to death while he's watching you try to braid rope out of t.p.

  3. Ok, I'll admit my plan would require some prep work, while Joe's is more MacGyveresque. Also, while it is fairly easy to choke someone unconscious, it's much more difficult to kill them that way, as opposed to clogging their airway. Hmmmm…I will try both on Joe while he is asleep and let you know the outcome…

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