The Defiant One

I still occasionally have a problem with being told what to do while in class at the dojo.  I don’t mean etiquette and things like that, I really do try to follow the rules and be a good student.  It’s just that sometimes when I don’t want to do a particular drill, my defiance rears it’s ugly head.  One time Shihan had us doing cartwheels, and at first I tried to hide to get out of doing them, and then I flat-out refused.  Hey, the wall says “Don’t say ‘I can’t’, say ‘I’ll try’, it doesn’t say anything about “Don’t say ‘I won’t’!”.  Needless to say, that didn’t go over very well, and so I took my sorry self out to the middle of the mat and gave it my best attempt.

I suppose I’ve always been a little stubborn about being told to do things I don’t want to do, and also about doing things just because someone tells me not to.  The earliest memory I have of this is from when I was about eight years old.  I had never really gotten my hair cut before, and so it was always long.  I told my dad that I wanted to cut it a little bit, and he refused to let me.  This annoyed me so much that I pestered and pestered my mom until she gave in and took me to get it cut (idk how that worked, she must have been mad at him that day ;).  To really get back at my dad, I had my hair cut short, into a “Dorothy Hamill”, which was a popular style of the day (you old folks know what I’m talking about!).  I tried to find a pic of it, but this is the only one I could find, and it had grown back a lot by then. It was originally cut up over my ears.

Make fun of my lacy pink dress and I will hurt you!

I hated it!  I looked like a boy.  My dad also hated it, and he barely talked to me for days.  You would have thought I’d have learned my lesson then, but that was only the beginning of my self-detrimental defiance of authority.  It got much worse in my teenage years.  Now I suppose I am still trying to learn how to comfortably give up control to another person.  I just need to remember that in the dojo when they ask me to do (or not do) these things, they have my best interests at heart.  I’m not doing cartwheels for them, it’s for my own good.

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