I was under the impression that there wasn’t going to be an absolute women’s division at the tournament. By the time they decided there would be one, my coach had already left, and I had already changed and eaten. I was literally walking out the door when I found out. I struggled with the decision to enter. I really wanted to, especially since I’d only had one match.
Is it wrong that I was a little bit concerned, because I am an 115 pound, 41 year old mother with no health insurance? Is it wrong that I was worried, since I knew my elbow was already tweaked, and that my bad knee could flare up at any time? Is it wrong that I looked at the big girls half my age and thought “Is it worth taking the chance?”
Even though a huge part of me wishes I would have entered, I think that would have been the wrong choice, because it would have been selfish. The other day my husband told me that I wasn’t allowed to die, because he didn’t think they could make it without me. Not that I would’ve died at the tournament, but my family can’t afford for me to get injured. My elbow is bad enough, it’s causing me to miss jiu-jitsu class right now.
The girl I fought, Nadia Nixon, also chose to not compete in absolute. She only weighed about 105 pounds, and her coaches advised her to not fight the bigger girls, because she couldn’t afford to get hurt. Her reason is quite different from mine, though, it’s because she is an MMA fighter.
So, even though I feel bad about not entering absolute, I know I did it for the right reasons. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to fight (I so did!), it wasn’t because I was tired (I wasn’t at all!), it wasn’t because I didn’t think I could win (I know I could’ve taken a couple of them!), it was because even though I love being a Jiu-Jitsu Fighter, I am first and foremost a wife and mother. I’m not afraid of getting hurt, I just really can’t afford to.