I had a moment during open mat yesterday where I started hyperventilating and almost had a panic attack because I thought The Boss was filming me roll, but he wasn’t (at least not anymore). I don’t really like being videotaped grappling. I have learned a ton from watching myself on film, but I don’t care for the thought of other people seeing it. Fears of inadequacy and judgment, I guess. About a year ago, Boss Man had someone film me rolling with him and I can’t even begin to tell you how much I hate that video. For one thing, I didn’t even want to do it, and it shows. I think I look like an idiot. Also, I have come so far since then that I don’t recognize myself, but I suppose that should make me happy.
The reason I let him put that video on YouTube, and why I’ve put some of my own personal competition and open mat footage up as well, is because that is yet another fear I’m trying to overcome. I decided to just put myself out there, and try to not give a crap what anyone else thinks about me. As a women I sometimes get judged on more than just my jiu-jitsu, but I can’t be concerned with that.
Occasionally I have the urge to delete every video with me in it, but I know that’s just my ego trying to protect itself. It would be great if I totally dominated, won by submission, and looked super-hot doing so in all of my videos, but that’s not reality. I am an average woman, I do average jiu-jitsu, and I don’t always win. I want my video’s to be out there in hopes of inspiring other woman like me to try the art.
So, I suppose the next time Bossy wants to film me grappling, I’ll try to just keep breathing and not think about the camera. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen, he’ll get footage of me looking like a fool? Been there, done that.